Mentoring Those Who Doubt

The power of social networking has struck again.

Most of us have connected with people that we haven’t seen in a long time, by Facebook, Myspace, Classmates or other social media sites. Sometimes, it’s an opportunity to do a little harmless catching up, combined with a chance to see what became of person X. In some cases, it’s a chance to rekindle old friendships, or repair relationships that were damaged by time, distance or immaturity.

Once in a while, it’s a chance to make a difference in a person’s life.

I’ve been in contact with some people from my high school via Facebook. It turns out that at least one of the people with whom I graduated (in Colorado) lives on the Peninsula, and once lived no more than five minutes from me in Olympia. She and I recently reconnected, along with another classmate who now lives in Wisconsin and was visiting Washington. The conversation was great, but lead to something unexpected.

My facebook profile lists me as an atheist. Not long after the trip to Washington, this woman contacted me to ask about my lack of belief. She said, “I’ve never had a chance to discuss things with an actual atheist, and you’re the only one I know.” It turns out that she’s in that early stage, when the teachings of holy book “X” no longer make sense, when the morality espoused by a religion or theistic framework no longer look like they correspond with basic human values. She was doubting her faith, and asking my opinion on her areas of doubt.

Those that know me, know that I read philosophy for fun, that I have a strong working knowledge of the bible, and that I love a good debate. But, interestingly, I don’t think that this is the time for all that. I read her doubts, and they were legitimate ones. I learned that this is not new, but the stewing of thoughts and processes that had been going on for years. I heard the fear in her at the thought of sharing these things with her family, all of whom are believers.

I sympathize. This is my path, all over again. Raised Southern Baptist, closeted as an agnostic for years for the sake of my family and my marriage, scared to tell my parents… many of us have been there. I felt a responsibility to this person to be supportive, to answer questions but not — as some of us are wont to do — to be a lawyer for the prosecution, to attack the framework they are just beginning to see has cracks and missing supports. For all of us, the means of our “coming out” is different, and each of us has had to confront some form of hardship as a result. Another of my old friends came out as a gay man to his parents nearly fifteen years after graduating high school, waiting so long only out of fear of judgement. We, as atheists, don’t have to endure that kind of fear, but few of us are able to say that going public with disbelief was an easy thing.

I know it was as much chance as choice that I became the atheist that this person, out of my life for 25 years, chose to hear her doubts, and the person to whom the questions came. It’s no less thrilling and scary, though. Unlike the christian evangelist, however, I view the responsibility differently. It’s not my place to convince, unless asked. What I feel is my responsibility is to guide the questioner to find their own path, perhaps with a recommended book, or an opinion followed by an attribution to its source. It’s better, I think, when a person comes here on their own, with the sense of accomplishment and freedom that real study brings. I’m answering questions now, mostly about the field of humanist study, about authors I feel represent humanism and atheism as I see it, and directing her to sources that explain morality without the need for deity.

Remember the teacher that really inspired you? Not the one who gave you the answers, but the one who expected you to do the work, the research, and gave praise when you did? It made me work even harder, knowing that I was accomplishing, on my own, something that made sense, and that I would be recognized for having beaten through the underbrush through my own efforts. I’m trying very hard to be that person. And, perhaps, I’ll have a chance to see the birth of a new member of a more enlightened humanity.