Unfortunately, the search engine told me I was pretty much on my own:

Searching for a function returns us as the first link.

That’s… not usually a good sign.

So they send out this e-mail update, and it shows a group of shiny happy people wearing Jesus fish shirt, and saying how great it would be if I ordered more shirts for my… atheist congregation??? Yes, that’s right. Somehow their automated category update generating software plugged in atheism as a demonination.

I guess under normal circumstances this might work, but not in this instance. I suppose it’s tricky to find place to put us unless it’s in the religion bin, but what about just “clubs and organizations”? And really! Congregation? Crosses? Jesus fish? AND atheist t-shirt?? Hilarious.

Three of the seven following sites are parodies, while the others are serious attempts at religious expression. Good luck choosing which are which!

Landover Baptist Church
4 Step Proof for God of the Bible
OBJECTIVE: Ministries
Rapture Ready
Time Cube
Chick Tract – The Last Generation
True Christian Church of Christ

KIDZ: ATHEISTS MIGHT EAT YOU! RUN AWAY!

Click on the goat’s head for some funny comments. “Hey kid, wanna read some Ayn Rand?”

I don’t *think* I look like that in the morning, but I do love sleeping in on Sundays!

And this cute little Ganesh takes it in the chin.

But the absolute worst BEST part of this website? The horrible hilarious illustrations by the children very funny people, like this one. Brace yourself.

There’s a video, but because I’m not 100% sure about the mythology behind it, I’m going to quote the Guide for an explanation.

On 3 March 2008, while appearing on a panel TV show, Sanal Edamaruku, challenged a tantrik to demonstrate his powers on him by killing him using only magic. The tantrik chanted mantras and performed a ceremony to kill Sanal Edamaruku on live TV. India TV received a large boost in ratings while this was occurring. After his attempts failed the tantrik reported that Edamaruku must be under the protection of a powerful god, to which Edamaruku responded that he was an atheist.

The whole video is on YouTube, but for the purposes of your time and sanity, I will first post a “condensed” version which is sped up and put to some “Drum & Bass” type music.

I honestly don’t know if this qualifies as “Drum and Bass” as I’m pretty blind in that range, but the music syncs up pretty well for about 30 seconds, and it does give you an idea of what Edamaruku experienced.

I think my favorite part is where the berobed guy tries to shove his thumb in Edamaruku’s eye and he politely declines. Magic where step thirty is “remove target’s eye with your thumb” is going to be pretty effective at partially blinding someone, I’m guessing.

Originally watched the “full” posted version, which includes chanting and only about three percent english, so I didn’t get most of it. It’s worth watching if Jesus Camp isn’t really doing it for you any more and you need a little variety in your furtive superstition voyeurism. You know, like me.

Original moves after the cut.

How many licks does it take to get to the center of superstition?

One:

Two:

Three!:

The soundtrack is straight out of Fox’s “When Water Heaters Attack”, but it’s literally crying for a remix.

I’ll let Amanda get back to telling you useful things now. Amanda?

He says:

1. Know where to look
2. Try the dating websites
3. Be social. But don’t pounce
4. Looking like this (Hugh Laurie or Neil deGrasse Tyson) scores you bonus points [er... really?]
5. Have something to talk about other than atheism
6. When not at an atheist gathering, it helps to carry around a New Atheist book
7. It may be useful to accurately gauge the woman’s degree of atheism
8. Just because she is an atheist, do not assume you know what she thinks about everything else
9. Do not automatically discount a non-atheist

This one has GOT to be my favorite:

10. Be ready to have a duel with the atheist who is already dating her. If you meet the woman of your dreams, you’ll find out quickly that she’s already seeing somebody. In this case, you must be prepared to do battle. I suggest becoming a fencing or jousting expert.